As a domestic violence speaker and survivor, here’s what Love is Blind can teach us about emotional abuse
Since its release several weeks ago, season 2 of ‘Love is Blind’ has captivated millions of viewers with its stereotypically drama-fueled storylines mixed with snippets of love and romance.
However, as audiences worked their way through the 11-part series, a less predictable line of conversation began to arise: the topic of emotional abuse. In particular, gaslighting.
As a domestic violence speaker and lived-experience advocate, I found myself glued to the screen, fascinated by the way in which the series gave a front-row view into what this insidious and dangerous form of domestic violence can really look like.
Below are three lessons that Love is Blind Season 2 can teach us about gaslighting, and how to spot potential red flags in our personal relationships.
Firstly though…What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting — originally made famous by the 1944 film ‘Gaslight’ — refers to an intense yet subtle form of psychological manipulation, whereby the perpetrator makes their victim question their own version of events.
Or, as more accurately expressed by many survivors:
“I thought I was going crazy. He/She convinced me that it never happened.”
While it’s easy to assume that gaslighting is only used in romantic relationships, it can be experienced in any situation where there is an unequal power dynamic between two people — including friendships, families, and workplaces. In my personal experience, I have encountered gaslighting in all of these areas: from intimate relationships, to toxic workplaces with abusive bosses.
Unfortunately, as a non-physical form of domestic violence, gaslighting can be harder for victims/survivors to accurately pinpoint until many years later.
There are no bruises or scars to prove the abuse; there is nothing tangible to remember the manipulation by.
And in this way, gaslighting can be just as damaging — if not more so, in some cases — than physical abuse.
Love is Blind — The Red Flags
Throughout the 11 episodes there were almost too many ‘red flags’ to keep track of; however, very quickly, domestic violence advocates and trauma therapists picked up on a pattern of emotional abuse between two particular cast members: Shayne Jensen and Natalie Lee.
In their first few interactions, Shayne — an extroverted real estate agent — and Natalie, whose day job involves consultancy, initially seemed like a match made in heaven.
However, within a few episodes, Shayne had unceremoniously been dubbed by many social media followers as ‘The Gaslighting King.’
Whilst it is negligent to attempt to diagnose or label any of the cast members from a heavily edited television series, there is much that we can learn about relationship red flags from watching this series. Below are three specific examples of both emotional abuse and gaslighting.
Example #1 — Deny, attack, character assassinate
Perhaps one of the most teachable examples from Season 2 of Love is Blind, is when Shayne mistakenly calls Natalie by another woman’s name in the pods and launches into a flirtation conversation, thinking he’s speaking to another female cast member. (For context, cast members on the show date ‘unseen’ and only interact via discussions through a wall, hence the name ‘Love is Blind.’)
When Natalie expresses her hurt, he erupts into a rage-spiral, speaking over the top of her, and attempting to instill a sense of guilt.
“[Your response] is not normal,” he sulks. “Why am I getting beat up on? Listen if you think I’m a dick I think that’s kind of weird. If this little hiccup is that big of a deal, then maybe this is not what we thought it was. It’s not worth it for me to be here anymore.”
At this point, Shayne storms out of the room — denying Natalie the ability to communicate her feelings any further, and effectively shifting the focus away from his own behavior.
What is most telling from this particular scene, is Shayne’s natural inclination to make himself the victim, before moving on to inferring that Natalie’s feelings are ‘not normal.’
When behavior such as this is done repeatedly, it can gaslight an individual into thinking that very natural and healthy feelings are in fact ‘abnormal’ and ‘an overreaction.’
Example #2 — Make the individual question their version of events
Another pivotal moment during the series occurs when — the night before their wedding — Shayne allegedly tells Natalie that he ‘hates her and she’s the worst thing that ever happened to him.’
In a move that caused hundreds of thousands of people to breathe a collective sigh of relief, Natalie decides not to go through with marrying Shayne.
However, when she attempts to speak with him about the impact that his words had on her, Shayne replies:
“I’m sorry I said what I said, but that’s truly how I felt,” before switching moments later to say, “I can’t apologize more than I’ve done. I’ve told you a hundred times over that I didn’t mean those words.
Natalie’s confusion is evident here, as she struggles to compute whether Shayne did in fact mean what he said, or if her own memories and feelings are valid.
As I watched this particular scene I was reminded of my own experiences with gaslighting in the past, and the ways in which it works so insidiously to make an individual feel as though they must accept the blame for the actions of their partner/friend/coworker.
In this scene, Shayne’s refusal to take ownership for his actions without shifting the blame is a sobering yet powerfully informative view of what gaslighting looks like, and how easy it can be to manipulate a person into questioning the reality of what is happening, and the validity of their own feelings.
Example #3 — Avoid responsibility by manipulating emotions
In episode #11, ‘The Reunion’, Shayne and Natalie speak about their relationship and many of the issues that arose.
While discussing the fight that occurred the night prior to their wedding, Shayne continues to minimize his behavior, stating:
“The words I used didn’t just come out of nowhere. You haven’t apologized for your side. You haven’t owned up…You don’t feel bad about anything you’ve done?”
Natalie sits silently, looking miserable and ashamed, before accepting the blame and stating that she ‘must have done something’ to cause his aggressive behaviour.
As explained by US Therapist Mickey Atkins — who also runs a popular series on her YouTube channel called ‘Therapist reacts’ — this interaction between Natalie and Shayne was particularly significant, as it clearly demonstrated the ways in which a person can subtly yet effectively gaslight and emotionally manipulate a partner or person into accepting the blame.
“This feels very much like [he is saying], ‘I wouldn’t hurt you if you didn’t say these things,’” Atkins explained on her YouTube channel. “[While] this is a highly edited show…this attitude of ‘I wouldn’t have said this if you didn’t say this, that or the other’…[raises] red flags for me.”
As a domestic violence speaker and lived-experience advocate, I was equally fascinated and horrified by many of the scenes throughout Love is Blind — but above all, I’ve been encouraged by the way in which the series has — somewhat unintentionally — continued the conversation around forms of emotional abuse such as gaslighting.
Note: If you or a loved one are experiencing domestic violence, abuse or manipulation in any form, please reach out for support. If you are in immediate danger, call your national emergency line, or for further support, contact 1800 RESPECT.
Jas Rawlinson is an award-nominated book coach, resilience speaker, and best-selling author of the internationally renowned series ‘Reasons to Live: One More Day, Every Day.’ Combining her lived experience as a domestic violence survivor, with her BA in creative writing and psychology, she has helped close to 30 writers to go from ‘idea’ to ‘published’ in the past four years, and has impacted hundreds of thousands of lives through global media outlets, including Business Insider, Yahoo Finance, news.com.au, and Authority Magazine. Click here to grab a copy of her checklist: 14 Steps To Becoming a Best-Selling Author.
